Mothering Part 2:

A year ago I was visiting Waco, Texas wandering around the Gaines' shop there and I saw a quote by Vincent Van Gogh on a wall decoration:

I wrote it down immediately since I couldn't afford to buy it, but the simplicity spoke to me. After reflecting on that simple quote I realized: That is the key to success. Whatever it is I'm doing, is it done in love? Look at these pictures again, and notice HOW they're doing each of their specific tasks.

(Each of these pictures comes from Libraries of Hope website)

These mothers are "doing it well." While at the same time, each has her own unique flare with parenting.

What if I don't have that in me? What if I'm always so stressed therefore I don't have that love to give? What if I'm making it one day at a time?

Maybe I'm preaching to the choir, but here's an answer that I needed as I asked these questions: That unselfish love is first felt within ourselves for ourselves, not in a selfish way, but in a tender way. How does that look? Let's think about that for a moment.

If we fill our buckets with love within, what will we pour out around us? Love! First things first.

Ponder on this question:

What if I felt this tender love for myself? How would I feel? What would I do? What would the internal dialogue sound like?

This exercise is beneficial with gaining perspective on what our internal dialogue is currently, and what we can change.

Here's an example:

I noticed I speak harshly towards myself such as, "Why can't you do this better?" Or "You should be... [achieving impossible expectations such as too many demands in too short a time.]"

I have slowly changed my internal dialogue to "You're doing a good job." Or "Let's evaluate what's on my plate to see what I need to tweak." (Usually it's my expectations)

Our internal dialogue will result in what we feel. If we want an uplifting feeling, our dialogue will be uplifting. This is where it starts and is important!

Aside from physical survival, the greatest needs we have as humans is to have our psychological needs met such as to feel loved, wanted, needed, valued, excetera.

Stephen R Covey said in regards to meeting these psychological needs with our spouse and our children, "the essence of empathic listening is not that you agree with someone; it's that you fully, deeply, understand that person, emotionally as well as intellectually." (7 Habits of Highly Effective People, 240)

It is a hard thing to be misunderstood or mis-judged.

In order to meet the needs of our kids, we need to validate their desires and needs by first understanding them. In order to understand them we need to hear them. In order to hear them we need communication skills to listen and ask good questions.

Listening and asking good questions has taken practice. I didn't have this skill going into marriage and kids. However it has been the most helpful skill. Listening to really understand where a person is coming from is about letting them say whatever they need to say without us correcting or being defensive. This requires questions such as, "What was that like for you?" "What did you think when that happened?" "What helps you when [such n such] happens?" "What solution do you propose?" "What do you think will help?" "When did you start feeling this way?"

Sharing our thoughts with others can be vulnerable, while sharing our emotions is more vulnerable. Are we safe for our kids to share? In other words, are we listening to understand and not correct?

I have many examples of when I listened poorly. You can usually tell by the kids reactions. If they shut down or become more angry you may have listened poorly. It takes time to rebuild that trust after poor listening.

When my kids are doing something and making a mess, in the past my husband and I reprimanded them with "stop being so messy." My husband and I have practiced pausing and asking them calmly, "What are you doing?" They explain and with understanding where they're coming from, we usually see they've thought through it pretty thoroughly. There's usually no need for correction.

Here's a recap:

Love is essential in relationships. Love or respect ourselves, so you can feel it for others. If you want to change your feeling toward yourself, change your internal dialogue. As you have respect and love within, you can give it in your relationships. Ask questions to understand others. This allows love and understanding instead of judgment and misunderstanding.

A great book I just read is Love Like That by Dr. Les Parrot. He gives the example we've all experienced when we're driving and someone cuts us off or is rude to us. Instead of getting angry, ask this question: I wonder what they're in a hurry for? I wonder what's happening in their life?

After doing this, it really diffuses my anger. It gives place for the bigger picture.

Just know, I am not writing this blog because I have figured this all out. I am writing this because I know how confusing and tough life can be when our relationships are strained. I also know the joy relationships bring as we communicate to understand, and allow love to be the most important focus.

Another book I've loved about asking good questions is:

Back to the beginning thought about giving out love through having our bucket full of love first.

We are all doing the best we can, and we are our best support. Be your own greatest cheerleader, not egotistically, but lovingly.

Repeat the truth to yourself everyday:

"I am good enough." "My efforts are good enough." We all have constant improvements to make, but let's acknowledge the good we've done and the good we are. Again, this isn't in a boastful narcissistic way. This is about believing truth about ourselves. Such as, we were all born with gifts to help others and enjoy. We were all born to positively influence those around us and improve our environments, through our God-given creativity and talents. Therefore, we are good enough. Our lives are what we make them, so why not make them great!